Saturday, April 24, 2010


Well I'm officially in the TWW. I was so busy the past 2 weeks that I didn't temp or use my CBFM. I am pretty sure of when I ovulated but meh. I guess we will see. I'm loosing hope really. Even the desire to have another one. I mean..I'm 30. I like to have fun. If I stopped now Lula would be gone and I would be...50? ugh. Jesus. Well nevermind. Might as well have another one. I think AF is due around the first of May.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Want to share.

When we found out something was wrong with our pregnancy I LIVED on The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage site. Hoping, praying that the doctors were wrong and that everything would be ok with my little bean. Even as I typed all this out I still had hope until the day Gavin left my body. So here is what I wrote....

November 2, 2009
I wanted to post here on my wait so others could read it. I will update as time goes by. A little history:

Got BFP on September 17th.

Calculated EDD as May 25th

Went in to Dr on 9/24- he said I was only around 3 weeks. hcg was like 767.

10/5- ultrasound put me at 5 w 3 days due June 4th, 2010. Still no heartbeat. hcg was somewhere around 20,000 I think.

10/9- went back in for spotting thought they picked up a very weak heartbeat (50 bpm)

10/13- back again. Measuring 6 week 1 day. No heartbeat.

10/19- hcg was 57,000

10/20- back..again. Had light pink blood when I wiped in the morning. Didn't get measurements. No heartbeat. Thought he saw a fetal pole. Told I should miscarry in a couple weeks and got Rhogam shot. Said the hcg was just leftover

10/26- went to ER. Had some pains but shamefully...just really wanted a second opinion and just couldn't wait. No heartbeat and levels had dropped to 33,000.

So now here I am. I did get some pills to help soften the cervix but I am going to try and tough this out and miscarry naturally. I have had no more spotting since 10/20 and I'm scheduled to go back on the 17th.

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 
Today- 11/ 6/09- 10 weeks-

Still no signs of miscarriage. Did talk to my friend at my doctors office yesterday to ask if this was normal and what she thought he would suggest when I go in on the 17th. She said it is kind of normal. Some people carry for quite awhile after the baby is gone. Usually though they don't know something is wrong. Like the baby will have left at 8 weeks but they don't go back to the doctor until 12 weeks.

She said that he might suggest a more direct approach come my appointment if I don't take the pills by then.

I am having discharge but it what I've had from the beginning. Clear/cream colored. I had the same thing with my first pregnancy.

I am still very tired but not queasy anymore and the tired might be from the virus I picked up last week. I wish I knew what my levels were. I wish there was a test you could do at home for that. lol.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 30. I am praying that nothing happens this weekend. As much as I want to have closure and move on I don't want to do it on my birthday.

I will update some more next week unless something happens before then

NOVEMBER 9, 2009 
Had some spotting (bright red) after sex this weekend. I really thought it was going to happen but it stopped and nothing since then.

NOVEMBER 11, 2009 
Had more bleeding yesterday and then it seemed to have stopped last night but is back this morning and was actually noticeable on the pad. I told my boss I might have to go home at some point. I am feeling crampy as well.

NOVEMBER 12, 2009 
Bleeding has continued through the night. I decided to stay home and take the cytotec that the doctor gave me. I feel finally that I really have lost this baby and I have spent the past 2 days bleeding and scared to death that I will have the "gush" and be out in public. So I swallowed the pill at 9:45 am....just 5 minutes ago. I'm scared to death but glad that it might be over soon too..

NOVEMBER 13, 2009 - in response to comments 
It keeps my mind occupied somewhat smile I would definitely suggest waiting until YOU feel comfortable with it. FOr me everything I had been holding on to for hope and slowly gone away. 5 ultrasounds, blood work and levels dropping, pregnancy symptoms completely gone (a BIG one for me! I couldn't believe it really was happening while I still felt so pregnant) and then the bleeding.

I am keeping up with everything that is happening since I took the first pill and will post that as well when it is all done. It seems to be moving slowly still.

I just know that this site helped me so much! It gave me hope and allowed me to do this and not be so scared. And allowed me to talk and confide in women that were going through or had been through the same thing. I feel like I need to give back and maybe help another woman later down the road.

NOVEMBER 14, 2009 
Ugh. My deer, sweet husband did an update on the computer which did an automatic shutdown and lost all the notes I had been keeping on my miscarriage experience. ugh I will try to recreate it with all the details so i can post it later.

I slept pretty good last night. Just got up a few times to check and make sure I wasn't bleeding through the pad. It was really light and I honestly though.."wow that wasn't bad at all" Then I got up and started getting ready for work this morning. sad The pain got pretty bad and by the time I got here to work I had to take a pain pill. And the blood started to increase as well. Boo. Fortunately the medicine has kicked in though and I am going to try to tough out the rest of the day.

NOVEMBER 15, 2009
I ended up in the ER yesterday. It turned bad quick. They really don't understand why it took so long after taking the pills and why it was so bad. I was told after it was all done that I basically had went through labor without any drugs.

I woke up Saturday morning and felt drained. I figured that I had been bleeding for 2 days and I was just weak from that and from the emotional toll it had taken on me. I got up with our 2 year old and got her breakfast and laid on the couch. I kept falling asleep and finally decided to take a prenatal vitamin and to go back to bed.

I woke back up about 2 pm and we started to get ready for a birthday party we were suppose to go to. This is when the bleeding and cramping started.

I took a shower and it wasn't too bad. I then moved to the other bathroom to do my hair and makeup and had to practically run because i felt blood coming out. I actually sat on the toilet on did my hair thinking it would pass soon and we would go on to Chuck E Cheese. The blood was basically pouring out and the clots were getting larger and larger. They were the size of my palm and larger. Me being stubborn, this went on over an hour before I called my doctors answering service. At this time I estimated that if I had been up walking around I would have soaked through about 4 pads if not more. The doctors office said go to the ER.

We met my sister on the way and gave her baby girl. Thank God we didn't take her with us!! The cramps were so bad at this point. They came in waves very much like contractions. I guess they were. I could feel the blood pouring out with every one of them. I live about a half hour away fromt he hospital and if I could have changed pads I would have had to. My husband drove like a crazy man. lol.

We made it to the hospital and they brought me back immediately. I got into the hospital gown and asked to go to the bathroom. I felt a very large clot pass this time and thought for sure that this was the baby.

We went back to the room and the nurse started to run the IV. I started to feel like I was going to be sick and asked for a bucket. That is the last thing I remember for awhile. I passed out, threw up everywhere and pulled out the IV. The poor nurse got vomit and blood all over her. sad I felt so bad. The pain was excruciating at this point. I was begging for pain medicine. She finally got all the blood cleaned up that had come out of my arm and got a new IV line ran and gave me medicine for nausea. Then she finally came back with demoral. Even through the demoral I could feel the cramps but not nearly as bad.

The doctor finally came in and checked me. He decided to check me in the bed since I had already passed out once. When he went to prop my bottom up I felt another large gush of blood. He said I was basically fully dialated and he felt like I had possibly already passed everything. The nurse decided to help me clean up a little bit since there was blood everywhere. When she pulled the sheet back she quickly grabbed for something. It was the baby. sad I had passed it during that last gush. I'm glad in a way that they got it because it was sent off for testing which we should hear the results of in a few days.

They brought me in for an ultrasound at this point and I was told that everything appeared to be cleared out and thank God! I would not have to have a d&C. My worst fear was that I would go through all of this and still have to have one.

The bleeding had slowed considerably. They decided after speaking with my doctor to give me another rhogam shot even though I had had one weeks before. They said you can't OD but you can definitely underdose. We had to wait for it to come for the blood bank so it would take awhile.

My blood pressure was kind of low so the nurse checked that a few more times and also gave me a pill called methergine which would help with the bleeding. The shot finally came and I was released to go home with prescriptions for lortabs, more of the methergine and some medicine for nausea as well. I have a doctors appointment Tuesday with my regular doctor to get everything checked again. The bleeding has slowed significantly as of this morning and the cramps are hardly noticeable. I feel much better but still weak.

The nurse did say that she had never seen anything good come from those pills. But she had never seen it take as long as it did for me for it to happen. They had checked my levels when I came in and it had dropped to 2319.

Oh. And during all this I was informed for the very first time ever that I have a tilted uterus. I think that is what they called it. The doctor also said something about a retroverted cervix. Not sure if that is the same thing. Never has anyone told me that I had this condition. And i swear I remember our fertility doctor specifically saying I did NOT have it. When the doctor and then the ultrasound tech both informed me of this I began to worry that I hadn't waited long enough sad That maybe I had just killed my baby by taking those pills. I thought the nurse had said also that my levels were 23,000 not 2,300. I started crying. The nurse told me the levels again and I began to relax a little bit. And they said that they were positive that the pregnancy was not viable. I don't know if they were just trying to make me feel better and how they would know but I believe that with the levels being that low and the bleeding having been going on for days before I even took the pills that I did not kill my baby. I know my baby went to heaven way before I even thought about taking those pills. But it was scary 
 NOVEMBER 17, 2009
Went to the doctor today and everything is gone. I won't need a D&C thank God. He said wait a month and try again. I told him I think we will be waiting a little longer than that. This has taken too much out of me and I can't imagine going through it again. I pray that I don't ever have to go through it again at all but if it does happen again I need some time in between it.

I have almost completely stopped bleeding and actually woke up feeling extremely better. Not sore at all and no more cramping. And feel just to be in a better mood all around. Not as sad. The only noticeable thing is I still have a migraine and have had it since Sunday. I am taking vitamins to try to help it since nothing else seems to get rid of it.

Later of course we found out that I had passed the baby when I thought I had. That first gush at the hospital. The material sent off for testing was just other passings. But it was enough to determine that the cause of the miscarriage was Trisomy 16 and that it was the little boy we had been wanting. 

By my calculations and from the fertility doctor's ultrasound confirming ovulation I would be 33 weeks as of today. My due date coming up. I'm taking it hard.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Oh we are so touching these bitches

Top 10's

Top 10 things you should NEVER say to someone facing infertility

Courtesy of a facebook blog and 14 cycles of TTC, one miscarriage and the reality that our situation sucks ass and we do have a valid medical condition preventing our pregnancy. It isn't a matter of me "stressing" about it.  And no one can understand it unless you have been there. And in some situations even if you have been there you still manage to say some stupid crap!!

(1) You need to relax!

The fact that rape victims can get pregnant puts this one to rest pretty quickly. I can't think of too many situations that are more stressful than that.

Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me. Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2) You should just adopt!

Adoption? Why, I've never heard of that! You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind? Sign me up!

Seriously, though, this one really irks me. After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, financially and emotionally.

It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

Try naturally: Check.
Go through testing: Check.
Clomid and timed intercourse: Check.
Injectables and IUI: Check.
IVF: Check.
Adoption: Check.
and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child. No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

After spending years trying to become pregnant, considering adoption is a complete switching of gears, and it's just not always possible to do that. Sometimes you just want it all to be over.

The fact that we didn't adopt doesn't mean that we really didn't want children enough. We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us. Is it selfish? Of course it is. So what? Most people don't have to think twice about it, though.

Anyway, it is not the responsibility of infertile couples to take in all the unwanted children of the world. I am in awe of those who have chosen this path, but my heart just wasn't in it. I don't think one should do it under those circumstances. That doesn't seem terribly fair to the child.

And I wonder if couples who already have one or two of their own biological children and are considering having another ever have this suggested in such a dismissive way. After all, if anyone should consider adoption, it should be those who have already been blessed, right?

Look, it's just a very personal decision, and it's not the "answer" to every couple's infertility problem.

(3) You want kids? Please, take mine!

Oh, I get it. Raising kids is hard! Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids. They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this. You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4) There's probably a reason for it.

Like, maybe, my potential child was going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that?

I do actually know the reason for one of my miscarriages. It was an abnormality resulting in a fetus with a genetic makeup that was "incompatible with life". (That's exactly the way it was phrased in the report. I find it kind of strangely poetic.) But, what was the reason behind that? It's simple: there is no reason for these things.

Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?

Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that. At least that's the way I look at things. Please respect that.

(5) Oh, you're still young. It'll happen.

I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?

You are not clairvoyant. Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6) My cousin adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!

Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it? I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work. I can just hear the discussion now...

Joey: Mom and Dad, why did you adopt me?

Mom and Dad: Well, we really thought that, if we adopted a baby, then we'd get pregnant.

Joey: But I don't have a brother or a sister. So it didn't work, right?

Mom and Dad: No it didn't. But we've got you. And you're the next best thing!

(7) Have you tried accupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?

Certainly not all at the same time! But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale. We even went to a Chinese herbalist, who kept talking about "the house of the baby" (I assume he was referring to my uterus), and I spent two weeks drinking some sort of dark brown liquid twice a day that tasted like a combination of tree bark and liver. It made me want to throw up, which is the closest to pregant I got with it!

(8) I wish I had that problem!

So you're...what? Hyperfertile? There are things you can take for that, you know. Now please go away before your water breaks on my carpet.

(9) There are too many people in the world anyway.

Thank you Mr. Malthus! I fully realize this, and I promise that, if I'm lucky enough to have one, I'll immediately kill myself so it'll all even out.

Besides, you should be talking to the Duggar family. They live in Tontitown, Arkansas, and they probably have their own page in the phone book.

(10) I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish.

I am actually torn on this one. I did think it was kind of selfish when I was going through it. Selfish for me - I'd never judge someone else for it. It was also incredibly expensive and mostly not covered by insurance. I know that medical resources are a finite commodity, so, yes, I was conflicted. I went as far as considering IVF, but took one look at the procedure and knew that I just couldn't go through with it.

But is it only the treatment that's selfish, or the desire for a child in the first place? Frankly, I thought they were both selfish (again, for me), but it seems like it's only the infertile person who is "lucky" enough to hear this one.

In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb: Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.

Contemplating having my entire uterus removed

yep. Today I had the pleasure of spending the day with Tallulah and a 2 year old little boy named Jacob.

Oh dear mother of God!!! I have a new found MAD respect for mothers of multiple toddlers.

Until a little bit ago my floor was covered in 7 up (it really is amazing just how high and far it can go when a sippy cup is dropped!!!) carbonation + sippy cup = the DEVIL!!!

On top of that was a nice layer of Ritz crackers, popcorn and pop tarts. All good and stuck to the floor thanks to the 7-up. What? Do they add super glue to that crap?

Don't even get me started on the Chef Boyardee for lunch!!! WTF was I thinking?!

It isn't that either one has been bad...actually they have both played very well and been sweet as kittens. Took an adorable little nap together and everything. It's just that Lula is old enough to show Jacob all KINDS of new things to get in to and Jacob is young enough to get into all the things that Lula has learned not to touch.

And can I remind you that i have no clue how to handle little boys and potty time? I remember helping a girlfriend out at dinner and taking her little boy. I also remember the hysterical laughter from the stall next to us when I was like" Aw hell....just shake it I guess" Well a two year old won't shake it for you. So lost and clueless.

Mother f*c&#r!! Tallulah just dropped about a dozen beads (where the hell did they come from!?!) and Jacob is attempting to figure out how many he can swallow before we have to make a trip to the ER.....if I don't blog again in 24 hours please send the proper authorities to rescue me because it means they have taken me completely hostage.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

So I am crazy

Because obviously I made up all the symptoms I had over the past 2 weeks. I don't know how many more cycles I can take of this. It really hit hard this time. I thought this was our month....Oh well..CD 1 and I guess we are getting the swamp land so maybe I will turn my focus to that. And for your viewing pleasure...this is what happens to an insane woman trying to have a baby....these are all the tests I took during the TWW (two week wait)

You know I love you (my readers!) because I share my insanity with you. :) I believe this will prove that I am certifiable.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

It's Easter!!

And I have so much to be thankful for. I have a home, with a wonderful husband and sweet daughter. I have 3 acres of swamp land and at least 1 4 foot water moccasin that was kind enough not to kill me yesterday.

I have my mother and father and brother and sister that I love dearly. And all of their families too. And I'm super excited that my little brother just bought the house down the street from me and I promise that I won't drive him to move within the first year with my crazy stop ins. Lol.

I have a awesome Kitty Cat Meow, Princess Tweet Tweet, Max and Vinny and one blue fish. Love my fur (and not so furry) babies.

I am healthy..a little lazy but healthy..

We might not have much but man we are so blessed!!

Can't wait to spend the day with my family :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Want to see what I scored at goodwill?

I think I'm hooked. I just have to be more careful cause it all seems so inexpensive but it adds up quick!!

Jessica Simpson Ballet flats

Super cute Mudd shoes for the photo shoot next weekend :)
More shoes for the photo shoot. These are Nine West.

I know it's coming up summer but these sweaters were super long and with the "boys" and a very long torso it is nearly impossible for me to find sweaters long enough. So I snagged these while I could. One is Old Navy and the other is Jones New York.

This is a cool little sundress that I can just throw on and still look cute in.

This was a cute little black dress that looked good on me. Matt said it made me look like one of the spanish dancing girls but in my mind it looks like something I saw Tallulah Bankhead wearing in one of her pictures.

I fell in LOVE with this dress when I saw it! I wanted a bubble skirt dress before I even went and never dreamed I would find one. Unfortunately this one is made for a 5'3" person with no boobs. But I have plans for the photo shoot for it. :)

This is just a plain Limited shirt that I thought would be cute with the skirt I bought for the pageant.

And this little Old Navy blue jean skirt(It isn't as short as it looks!! I promise lol)

Bought Lula this snazzy little drum.

And this baby doll set was still in the box!

And her cute little stride rite shoes. (These things are expensive!!) lol

and I got these. I figured they would be good for swimming and running around with the boys fishing and stuff :)

So all that for right at $75. Not bad at all :)