Sunday, April 11, 2010

Want to share.

When we found out something was wrong with our pregnancy I LIVED on The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage site. Hoping, praying that the doctors were wrong and that everything would be ok with my little bean. Even as I typed all this out I still had hope until the day Gavin left my body. So here is what I wrote....

November 2, 2009
I wanted to post here on my wait so others could read it. I will update as time goes by. A little history:

Got BFP on September 17th.

Calculated EDD as May 25th

Went in to Dr on 9/24- he said I was only around 3 weeks. hcg was like 767.

10/5- ultrasound put me at 5 w 3 days due June 4th, 2010. Still no heartbeat. hcg was somewhere around 20,000 I think.

10/9- went back in for spotting thought they picked up a very weak heartbeat (50 bpm)

10/13- back again. Measuring 6 week 1 day. No heartbeat.

10/19- hcg was 57,000

10/20- back..again. Had light pink blood when I wiped in the morning. Didn't get measurements. No heartbeat. Thought he saw a fetal pole. Told I should miscarry in a couple weeks and got Rhogam shot. Said the hcg was just leftover

10/26- went to ER. Had some pains but shamefully...just really wanted a second opinion and just couldn't wait. No heartbeat and levels had dropped to 33,000.

So now here I am. I did get some pills to help soften the cervix but I am going to try and tough this out and miscarry naturally. I have had no more spotting since 10/20 and I'm scheduled to go back on the 17th.

NOVEMBER 6, 2009 
Today- 11/ 6/09- 10 weeks-

Still no signs of miscarriage. Did talk to my friend at my doctors office yesterday to ask if this was normal and what she thought he would suggest when I go in on the 17th. She said it is kind of normal. Some people carry for quite awhile after the baby is gone. Usually though they don't know something is wrong. Like the baby will have left at 8 weeks but they don't go back to the doctor until 12 weeks.

She said that he might suggest a more direct approach come my appointment if I don't take the pills by then.

I am having discharge but it what I've had from the beginning. Clear/cream colored. I had the same thing with my first pregnancy.

I am still very tired but not queasy anymore and the tired might be from the virus I picked up last week. I wish I knew what my levels were. I wish there was a test you could do at home for that. lol.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 30. I am praying that nothing happens this weekend. As much as I want to have closure and move on I don't want to do it on my birthday.

I will update some more next week unless something happens before then

NOVEMBER 9, 2009 
Had some spotting (bright red) after sex this weekend. I really thought it was going to happen but it stopped and nothing since then.

NOVEMBER 11, 2009 
Had more bleeding yesterday and then it seemed to have stopped last night but is back this morning and was actually noticeable on the pad. I told my boss I might have to go home at some point. I am feeling crampy as well.

NOVEMBER 12, 2009 
Bleeding has continued through the night. I decided to stay home and take the cytotec that the doctor gave me. I feel finally that I really have lost this baby and I have spent the past 2 days bleeding and scared to death that I will have the "gush" and be out in public. So I swallowed the pill at 9:45 am....just 5 minutes ago. I'm scared to death but glad that it might be over soon too..

NOVEMBER 13, 2009 - in response to comments 
It keeps my mind occupied somewhat smile I would definitely suggest waiting until YOU feel comfortable with it. FOr me everything I had been holding on to for hope and slowly gone away. 5 ultrasounds, blood work and levels dropping, pregnancy symptoms completely gone (a BIG one for me! I couldn't believe it really was happening while I still felt so pregnant) and then the bleeding.

I am keeping up with everything that is happening since I took the first pill and will post that as well when it is all done. It seems to be moving slowly still.

I just know that this site helped me so much! It gave me hope and allowed me to do this and not be so scared. And allowed me to talk and confide in women that were going through or had been through the same thing. I feel like I need to give back and maybe help another woman later down the road.

NOVEMBER 14, 2009 
Ugh. My deer, sweet husband did an update on the computer which did an automatic shutdown and lost all the notes I had been keeping on my miscarriage experience. ugh I will try to recreate it with all the details so i can post it later.

I slept pretty good last night. Just got up a few times to check and make sure I wasn't bleeding through the pad. It was really light and I honestly though.."wow that wasn't bad at all" Then I got up and started getting ready for work this morning. sad The pain got pretty bad and by the time I got here to work I had to take a pain pill. And the blood started to increase as well. Boo. Fortunately the medicine has kicked in though and I am going to try to tough out the rest of the day.

NOVEMBER 15, 2009
I ended up in the ER yesterday. It turned bad quick. They really don't understand why it took so long after taking the pills and why it was so bad. I was told after it was all done that I basically had went through labor without any drugs.

I woke up Saturday morning and felt drained. I figured that I had been bleeding for 2 days and I was just weak from that and from the emotional toll it had taken on me. I got up with our 2 year old and got her breakfast and laid on the couch. I kept falling asleep and finally decided to take a prenatal vitamin and to go back to bed.

I woke back up about 2 pm and we started to get ready for a birthday party we were suppose to go to. This is when the bleeding and cramping started.

I took a shower and it wasn't too bad. I then moved to the other bathroom to do my hair and makeup and had to practically run because i felt blood coming out. I actually sat on the toilet on did my hair thinking it would pass soon and we would go on to Chuck E Cheese. The blood was basically pouring out and the clots were getting larger and larger. They were the size of my palm and larger. Me being stubborn, this went on over an hour before I called my doctors answering service. At this time I estimated that if I had been up walking around I would have soaked through about 4 pads if not more. The doctors office said go to the ER.

We met my sister on the way and gave her baby girl. Thank God we didn't take her with us!! The cramps were so bad at this point. They came in waves very much like contractions. I guess they were. I could feel the blood pouring out with every one of them. I live about a half hour away fromt he hospital and if I could have changed pads I would have had to. My husband drove like a crazy man. lol.

We made it to the hospital and they brought me back immediately. I got into the hospital gown and asked to go to the bathroom. I felt a very large clot pass this time and thought for sure that this was the baby.

We went back to the room and the nurse started to run the IV. I started to feel like I was going to be sick and asked for a bucket. That is the last thing I remember for awhile. I passed out, threw up everywhere and pulled out the IV. The poor nurse got vomit and blood all over her. sad I felt so bad. The pain was excruciating at this point. I was begging for pain medicine. She finally got all the blood cleaned up that had come out of my arm and got a new IV line ran and gave me medicine for nausea. Then she finally came back with demoral. Even through the demoral I could feel the cramps but not nearly as bad.

The doctor finally came in and checked me. He decided to check me in the bed since I had already passed out once. When he went to prop my bottom up I felt another large gush of blood. He said I was basically fully dialated and he felt like I had possibly already passed everything. The nurse decided to help me clean up a little bit since there was blood everywhere. When she pulled the sheet back she quickly grabbed for something. It was the baby. sad I had passed it during that last gush. I'm glad in a way that they got it because it was sent off for testing which we should hear the results of in a few days.

They brought me in for an ultrasound at this point and I was told that everything appeared to be cleared out and thank God! I would not have to have a d&C. My worst fear was that I would go through all of this and still have to have one.

The bleeding had slowed considerably. They decided after speaking with my doctor to give me another rhogam shot even though I had had one weeks before. They said you can't OD but you can definitely underdose. We had to wait for it to come for the blood bank so it would take awhile.

My blood pressure was kind of low so the nurse checked that a few more times and also gave me a pill called methergine which would help with the bleeding. The shot finally came and I was released to go home with prescriptions for lortabs, more of the methergine and some medicine for nausea as well. I have a doctors appointment Tuesday with my regular doctor to get everything checked again. The bleeding has slowed significantly as of this morning and the cramps are hardly noticeable. I feel much better but still weak.

The nurse did say that she had never seen anything good come from those pills. But she had never seen it take as long as it did for me for it to happen. They had checked my levels when I came in and it had dropped to 2319.

Oh. And during all this I was informed for the very first time ever that I have a tilted uterus. I think that is what they called it. The doctor also said something about a retroverted cervix. Not sure if that is the same thing. Never has anyone told me that I had this condition. And i swear I remember our fertility doctor specifically saying I did NOT have it. When the doctor and then the ultrasound tech both informed me of this I began to worry that I hadn't waited long enough sad That maybe I had just killed my baby by taking those pills. I thought the nurse had said also that my levels were 23,000 not 2,300. I started crying. The nurse told me the levels again and I began to relax a little bit. And they said that they were positive that the pregnancy was not viable. I don't know if they were just trying to make me feel better and how they would know but I believe that with the levels being that low and the bleeding having been going on for days before I even took the pills that I did not kill my baby. I know my baby went to heaven way before I even thought about taking those pills. But it was scary 
 NOVEMBER 17, 2009
Went to the doctor today and everything is gone. I won't need a D&C thank God. He said wait a month and try again. I told him I think we will be waiting a little longer than that. This has taken too much out of me and I can't imagine going through it again. I pray that I don't ever have to go through it again at all but if it does happen again I need some time in between it.

I have almost completely stopped bleeding and actually woke up feeling extremely better. Not sore at all and no more cramping. And feel just to be in a better mood all around. Not as sad. The only noticeable thing is I still have a migraine and have had it since Sunday. I am taking vitamins to try to help it since nothing else seems to get rid of it.

Later of course we found out that I had passed the baby when I thought I had. That first gush at the hospital. The material sent off for testing was just other passings. But it was enough to determine that the cause of the miscarriage was Trisomy 16 and that it was the little boy we had been wanting. 

By my calculations and from the fertility doctor's ultrasound confirming ovulation I would be 33 weeks as of today. My due date coming up. I'm taking it hard.

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